Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in RUKE's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, February 14th, 2008
9:14 am	whaaa?! shazaam! (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 5th, 2006
6:44 pm	stop, drop, KABOOM! hey hermanos last night when i was working the door, something very awkward happened to my boss. we were closing up and i was sweeping the floor. this lady had her back to me and she didn't respond when i asked her to move like three times. no big deal, i figured she was just drunk. i tapped her on the shoulder and she moved away. presently, i came to realize she was, in fact, deaf. this in itself was unremarkable. however, the person she was talking to was stein, who has a degenerative eye disease that makes it nigh impossible for him to see in the dark. pete and stein know each other, so it wasn't a big deal that he was staying after close. as time wore on, pete turned off the lights so as not to attract police, wandering drunks, etc. the deaf woman got insulted because she thought pete was trying to give her a not-so-subtle hint that she should leave and started to walk out. pete tried to get stein to explain to her that this was not his intention, but stein couldn't see, so he was kind of wandering around walking in a circle. it was weird. also, paul guse pissed himself last night in front of everyone at the bar. this honestly was not even a big deal to me. i've seen guse so pathetically drunk and puking that this didn't really faze me much. the gross part was that instead of going home and changing or anything, he just sat there and continued drinking. he also tried to tell me it was just water as he was reeking of urine. oh well... nice try, big guy. in other news, i recently won something. yippee! i received an honorable mention at the illinois college press association awards for best column among non-dailies with circulation of more than 4,000. also, because i didn't update for several months, i'm going to randomly include some stuff in my next couple entires i meant to write during my sabbatical (laziness), but didn't. so i was downtown one night and i could feel myself teetering on the brink of blacking out and doing something horrendous. the rick of last year would have laughed and embraced the coming onslaught three sheets to the wind. the current rick, a.k.a. "nancy sissy-drinkin' rick who gets tired at 3 a.m.," decided to take a cab to jackie's house. my driver was a very old man who couldn't say much that was intelligable. he would just kind of mumble for a while and then say "heh heh heh..." anyway, he and i had a conversation that i wasn't really mentally present for, but i remember screaming "... AND WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES, THOSE BASTARDS WILL BE THE FIRST ONES WITH THEIR BACKS AGAINST THE WALL!" i realized he wasn't even watching the road anymore as we were driving and was just kind of staring at me in silence with a decidedly puzzled expression, so god only knows what the fuck i was talking about before that. i got really embarrassed and made him pull over and let me out of the car. he started to drive away and i chased him and made him pick me up again and drive me the rest of the way, which to me at that point was somehow less embarrassing than the initial situation. he was pretty cool about it though. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
10:17 pm	fall break was kind of disappointing. i was expecting a relaxing time where i could catch up on some sleep and homework and what have you, but, of course, that plan went straight to hell. i had to work a lot, which sucked, but i do need the money. i've never understood why everyone goes home... home is lame, and we could all party and not have to worry about school for a while. or we could sit around drinking, playing risk and listening to a chuck mangione record, which is what we did one night. while entertaining, it quite possibly ranked in the top 20 lamest nights of my life. i forgot if this was the same night, but a certain 6'9'' jackass with a bulbous head came over to my house while drunk and decided it would be a fantastic idea to run around my house scattering a huge sam's club-size bag of raisins everywhere. my house was fucking REVOLTING for several days. the worst part was that they all got stuck to everyone's feet, so they were just all over the place, including my fucking bed. and there were flies and various insects everywhere and it was just... blah. i had to threaten to scald janssen with something when he wasn't looking at work before he would clean it up (he did a pretty half-assed job, by the way). i'm not sure if he knew, but i was being more than semi-serious about the scalding thing. the other exciting night was when we decided to go downtown at 3 a.m., which was stupid for so many reasons. we just kind of sat there for a while playing that dumb bar video game where you have to find the differences between the two pictures... blah blah blah, fast forward to about 4:15. janssen and i were going to take a cab home and just bail on it because we didn't have enough money to pay. nate wanted to come with us for some reason, even though there was room in the carload of people who were driving home. we told him of our plans, to which he responded "i'm annihilated," and climbed in with us. the ride home was interesting. janssen and i looked out the window and said almost nothing, as to make ourselves more difficult to identify later on should we be caught. in a bold gambit, nate decided to take the offensive and engage the driver in a long, loud conversation about where he could purchase marijuana at that hour. inwardly seething at nate's incompetent boobery, i told the cabbie to take us to fredonia so we could jump out and run to tep to steal beer. the plan was to have him stop in front of fiji or something so he wouldn't really have any address to attach us to, but nate kept telling him to keep going and that we weren't home yet. eventually, i told the guy to just stop and let us out. at this point, i realized nate was never going to make it out of there and that i would have to be a real bastard to leave him alone with that hillbilly cabbie. i almost stopped to wonder if he would be ok as i was sprinting through the alleys a few seconds later. however, things worked out well for him. he somehow convinced the driver to sell him pot and they drove around together smoking for like 45 minutes. i found him near the corner of elmwood and main at about 5:30. within a few minutes, he had pulled up a "for sale" sign from a house and hung it around his neck, attached a stolen american flag to his own back and pulled his pants down around his ankles and shuffled home. he still doesn't believe me about that part. in other news, i really enjoy watching dave cook things. he just continually outdoes himself with making unappetizing food. the other day, he made this disgusting concoction of ramen noodles, turkey broth, canned carrots, canned potatoes and various spices that did little to complement the dish. that may not sound so bad, but it honestly smelled like he tore up some newspaper, went outside and scooped up a handful of dirt, mixed them together and cooked it for about ten minutes. he literally winced when he took a bite. i laughed. here are some other gross "meals" dave has voluntarily eaten: - butter and tobasco sauce sandwich - crackers and tartar sauce - spaghetti with sardines and burned chunks of jimmy john's bread. the house smelled like oily fish for a full day - discarded hot wing bones that he sucked the marrow from - tortelli sandwich with swiss cheese and pasta sauce - spoiled guacamole sandwich - cold turkey and egg salad sandwich i don't know why i just decided to update this... i have a ton of homework i'm supposed to be doing. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 19th, 2005
12:13 pm	who would have thought a flagpole would be so hard to purchase? ARRRGH!!! i'm fucking crippled and i hate it. i sprained my wrist like three nights ago and had to go to the hospital next day because it started swelling up badly. fortunately, i don't have any fractures or torn ligaments or anything, but i'm still not really used to being injured. i keep trying to move this traitorous wrist and it won't work. i also absolutely hate taking pain medication. codeine especially usually just makes me nauseous and drowsy and doesn't do much for the pain. blahhhh... if only we lived in a era of cyborg arms, this kind of nonsense wouldn't happen. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 13th, 2005
5:13 am	it's raining really hard oh... by the way, i'm a dumbass for not saying this eariler, but thanks very much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday the other night. it was really nice to hear from everyone, especially those whom i haven't seen for a while. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 12th, 2005
9:23 pm	pete gorman and i were kicking ass at a crossword puzzle tonight that was a very odd walk home. it's amazing how much weird shit happens to me in five minute journeys. i was on the phone with janssen to make plans for tonight. i noticed some weirdo near la bamba running around without a shirt, but didn't really think much of it. i was waiting to cross main when a car full of girls drove up and invited me to a bachelorette party. i said ok, but i'd have to shower first and they said "meet us downtown" and sped away. sure thing honey, i'll be there. anyway, i was talking to adam when i noticed shirtless man suddenly bolt toward me without waiting for a walk signal or anything. turns out, it's none other than... JOSE CERVANTES, THE CRAZY BRAIN-FRIED PIG-TAILED HISPANIC DRUG DEALER WHO TRIED TO FIGHT ME A WEEK AGO! good lord, he looked fucked up. he was all wild-eyed and POURING sweat. still rockin the pig tails too, which i found kind of amusing in spite of the situation. he starts screaming at me "ARE YOU WITH THEM?!? ARE YOU FUCKING WITH THEM?!?!?! i told him to go the fuck away and that i remembered him from before. he started shouting again about how he owned the streets and i should never fuck with him. granted, i'm not scared. for those who didn't read my last post about him, i'm probably a good hundred pounds heavier than him and roughly four inches taller. he's also rather on the smallish side in terms of muscle mass, so there is no doubt in my mind that i'd smash this fella into a red paste if things got physical. however, i'm wary of the situation coming to blows for several reasons: 1. i'm just rather cautious about fighting... you never know who has a weapon. 2. he lives with a lawyer and we're in the middle of a busy area with lots of witnesses. for those of you not from peoria, we're at a very busy intersection. 3. he's just fucking crazy. he was just screaming nonsense about "them" and making wild threats, so i told him to shut up and leave me alone or i was going to call the police. i hung up with janssen and put 911 in my phone and told him i was being serious. he actually calmed down a little at this and asked me if i would give him a minute to explain. i told him i didn't give a shit and i just wanted to go home. christ, that was the longest traffic light ever. i wanted to just get the hell away from this fruitcake. naturally, he started freaking out again and making more cataclysmic promises of how he was going to destroy me. unfortunately, by this time all the shouting was beginning to get me riled up and i began entertaining notions of grabbing those stupid pig tails and smashing his face into a telephone pole. mercifully, the light changed and i walked away quickly. he screamed "FUCK!" and ran into the middle of the intersection on a magical quest to parts unknown. i think next time i'm going to pretend i'm with the CIA or something. that should really scare him. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 11th, 2005
6:36 am	nothin quite like a ridiculous sleep schedule man, this summer has really flown by. i really didn't get to do a lot of things i wanted to because i've been so busy with work. unfortunately, it also looks like i won't be coming home again this summer. jeremy's mom is in the hospital with heart problems, so i told him i'd cover his shifts whenever he needs to be there. he's got enough problems with his upcoming jail term and whatnot. plus, i know how shitty the whole "sick parent" thing is, so whatever. after all that, work week begins. blah! in other news, the first blow has been struck against my precious new vehicle, and it wasn't even my fault. last weekend, kent came to visit with some girl whose name escapes me. ... come to think of it, i'm not sure we were ever actually introducted... yet later in the night, i had an uncomfortably intimate view of... never mind, i'm getting ahead of myself. anyhoo, the two of them got drunk at gorman's while i was working and after my shift we went to the liquor store, where i tricked kent into buying some brew city ice. for those of you who've never had it, it eclipses even the dreaded beast ice in terms of sock-you-in-the-teeth bad taste. so we pulled up to the underhill apartment and kent and i got out of good ol' deathbus. however, the girl remained seated for reasons that would soon become annoyingly and rather hilariously clear. i started walking back and i heard her and kent talking behind me. after i was halfway to the apartment, kent called me back. i asked what the problem was and she said "umm... i'm stuck." somehow, this chick had inexplicably fucked up the seat belt and was trapped in the cold, unfeeling embrace of my car. kent and i used our combined journalist-industrial engineer powers (mostly me swearing and him poking at the button with his keys and vainly trying to open up the mechanism), but it was all for naught. in truth, i accidentally made it even tighter... anyway, after several minutes of this, we all agreed the only option was to cut her out. loath as i was to injure my sweet voyager, i realized i had no choice. the situation was grimly reminiscent to god requesting abraham's sacrifice of his own son. except that unlike abraham, i didn't want to do it because i like my car more than kent's stupid friend and i would have preferred to let her rot in there while i watched ultimate fighting with my friends. also, i guess i don't really believe in god or anything... whatever. with a heavy heart, i made my way to the apartment and selected one of jay's many knives. i felt a little better when everyone came out and laughed at her for being too foolish to operate a seat belt as we sawed through the heavy strap. i almost felt bad for her because she kept commenting on how a fat girl was stuck in my car, but then i remembered there was a fat girl stuck in my car and laughed more. of course, after she was freed, the buckle magically came undone. as if this wasn't enough, dave baird and i were later treated to a massively intoxicated kent pawing all over her with her dress pulled all the way up. go kent, you drunken, philandering jesus-lover. oh, and also... the iron hand of vengeance is closing in... you know who you are, mister. YOU SHALL RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED RICHARD DUCAT! (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 5th, 2005
6:33 am	oooh, wheat thins! holy crap, that was a weird walk home. i guess i should start from the beginning. i watched "alexander" with jay and janssen (which was garbage, by the way) and grabbed my few remaining beers and headed home. i'd like to note for the record that i was not drunk at this point. it was a half-empty thirty pack to begin with, and i only had about eight beers over the course of a three hour movie. thus, i was making my merry and sober way home when things began to grow ugly. i was walking back to my cheery home and cut through the alley as i normally do. for those of you from peoria, it's the alley connected to that one creepy-ass house on university near where it and main intersect... you know, the one painted in all the weird pastel colors and with all the crazy-ass statues on the lawn. for those of you not from peoria... it's a real, REAL creepy house. so i was walking, and this dude, whom i soon realized was ... gah, now i have to explain this whole backstory. a few weeks ago, jay meet the guy in question who lived in the very house i was passing. i don't remember the whole story, and i'm not sure if anyone truly does for it is convuluted and vague. essentially, crazy guy is a 30-year-old drug dealer who is completely FRIED on acid... as in like, "i've been doing acid for half my life and now i'm afraid the trees will metamorphose into giant robot anteaters and take me to their space queen." he made jay take off his shirt and checked him for wires to make sure he wasn't a government agent trying to bust him. long story short, this guy has been coming over to jay's place and being weird and demanding money for things that never happened, etc. the point is he's fucking nuts. so i'm walking and this dude suddenly materializes next to me and asks for a beer. i seriously neither saw nor heard him approach, (which is a most griveous indication of how far my ninja-like senses have degraded) and suddenly there's a 5'8'' hispanic dude with long pigtails walking alongside me asking for a "brew." i say no. i want my beers and i'm sure as shit not giving them to some random fellow i meet in an alley. he tries to trade me a small lawn light that he ripped out of his own yard in exchange for a beer. i say no again, i don't want that and keep walking. he starts getting angry and demanding a beer and saying i owe him this for passage through his alley. i say "no, fuck you, it's a public alley because it connects to another street." predictably, he starts getting all nimbly-bimbly and raising his voice about him i'm being disrespectful by not giving him a beer because i'm passing through his domain and whatever. by now, we've already crossed the street and are near my home. at this point, my legendary clemency and good nature (haha) were wearing precariously thin. i told him to take a fucking beer and go the hell away because i just wanted to get this shit over with. i even handed it to him and he took it. BUT! for some inexplicable reason, he stared at me, set the beer down, and squared his narrow shoulders. he looked me straight in the eye and said "don't let your size get you in trouble." now i was beginning to grow upset. i just wanted to go home to my chill, dimly-lit room and sleep for a few hours until i had to drive ben to work, as i promised i would. i said "i gave you a fucking beer, now leave me alone. i don't want to see you anymore." unbelievably, he got into an obviously unskilled fighting stance and told me he "owned these alleys." i was dumbfounded for a moment. he then started advancing toward me and i grew substantially more upset, as this isn't the sort of thing i joke around about. i whipped my case into the wall and started walking toward him. oddly enough, he seemed to grow excited and said he was going to beat my ass. once again, i was dumbfounded. i am easily a full head taller and half again as broad as this guy. now the story gets dreadfully boring. i made several loud and hoarse challenges for him to throw the first attack and he sat there. (side note: i did not want to fight this dude at all. i had hoped to scare his psycho ass away so he wouldn't stab me or anything.) after a minute or so of me standing there waiting, i said "this is pointless," and started walking away. he called me a pussy and started walking toward me yet again. i turned around and an almost exact replica of the situation i just described happened. another beer had rolled toward him after this encounter. i picked up my case, said "fuck you, take two beers, and leave me the hell alone" and started walking around the block so he wouldn't know where i lived. for some weird reason, he called out "you have good discipline," and walked away. as i was passing my house, my elderly black neighbor walked out of his place( bear in mind, this is at like six a.m.), noticed my beer, and said "oh, is this the delivery service?" and i chuckled. ... and then walked all the way around the block to ensure that psycho-ass burnout doesn't know where i live. good old peoria. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
3:59 pm	jeez, i don't think i'm THAT dark... or am i? the Wit (78% dark, 26% spontaneous, 16% vulgar) your humor style: CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean you're pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most effort to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. Also, you probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 98% on dark You scored higher than 4% on spontaneous You scored higher than 10% on vulgar Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 21st, 2005
3:52 am	i tried cottage cheese for the first time sunday... and i was not disappointed hoo boy... so i had to fight for the first time at jiu jitsu class the other day. only problem was i was set to face one of the guys from the advanced class. we got ready and i planned on saying something to the extent of "listen here buster, i know you're better than me, but i'm not going to make this easy for you!" instead, what came out sounded more like "glaaaack! *gasp*" as he choked me into submission within literally about three seconds. undaunted, i readied myself again, but the same thing happened again... and again... and again. the guy, who is smaller than me, wound up choking me out four times in sixty seconds before the teacher said time was up. don't get me wrong, i'm not ashamed or anything. i'm just not used to losing fights, or even spars. ah well, got a lot to learn. in other news, i did indeed get fired from my unpaid internship. i'm actually glad it happened because i hate that bastard tom batters and i hate his stupid, crappy paper. long story short, he didn't properly explain what he wanted me to do (which he even admitted to me) and fired me for doing what i thought i was supposed to be doing. he also said i'm not putting forth enough effort, which kind of irritated me. i suppose it was indeed obvious that i didn't like working there, but it's hard to muster enthusiasm for your work when you ask your boss what to do about something and he says "i don't care, it's just a stupid little story." also, the other day when i was walking across the street in my flip-flops, they got stuck to the hot tar and i had to stop and pick them up and run barefoot across the street. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
3:34 pm	WALL OF DEATH THE SYSTEM! i have decided to whole-heartedly embrace john "the ruiner" boreczky's new plan to counter the more obnoxious members of society who choose to constantly quote napoleon dynamite and chappelle's show. essentially, we're going to bring back austin powers quotes. as our ranks swell, our battle cry of "shagadelic" will echo through the streets. i think it's a great plan, but let's ask these two gentlemen what they think: (11 Comments |Comment on this)
2:39 pm	"homecoming of destroyer squadron 24" is one of my favorite paintings in my room recent events: - i am now the proud(?) owner of a burgundy '82 plymouth voyager with no tape deck. i always feared i'd end up driving a minivan, and now it seems the bell has tolled. at least it's nicer than that shitty regal, but i think a rusty shopping cart with a go-kart motor and a racing stripe would also be nicer. the last thing my dad said to me before i left was some wry remark to the tune of "oh, and richard... try not to destroy THIS car too." it was mildly embarrassing... i don't TRY to ruin every object i come in contact with, it just sort of happens. i can't decide if i'm going to name it "deathbus," "hooray-mobile," or "ducat action wagon." - hanging out with my cousins for the fourth was great. the copaks' awesomeness just about makes up for the rest of my relatives' shittiness. we went to the kind of ridiculous party one would see in a movie, but not really think it could possibly exist. four free kegs, huge house, pool, karaoke, etc. the parade the next day was also surprisingly entertaining as well. basically, i like anything involving guys with kilts and bagpipes or elephants. put them together and BOY HOWDY! - so the other night when hy was in town, i arrived home from work to find that she and ben both thought it smelled like gas in the kitchen. i walked in there and, sure enough, it reeked of natural gas. we turned off the central air and opened a bunch of windows and called the fire department. i will give peoria one thing; the alacrity with which the emergency teams responded was impressive. within a few minutes, we had like five fire trucks and a cop outside our house. we had to sit outside for a good forty-five minutes until the cilco guy showed up to fix the problem. evidently, it seemed our pilot light had merely burned out, so all that hullabaloo with the fire department was for naught. however... he did a final check around the house and detected a massive gas leak emanating from the basement. interestingly enough, the epicenter of the leak seemed to be the dryer. how odd. how very odd indeed. it's almost as though someone broke the dryer, say by lifting it up and dropping it several times in a... oh, i don't know, let's say a dryer lifting contest. i guess it's a mystery for the ages. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
8:37 pm	bon jovi schmon jovi i'm so ashamed of myself. last night after our party, janssen and i had a contest to see who could pick up our dryer and hold it the longest. i could barely get my arms around it to lift it up, so i only managed to hold it for about seven seconds. since that goofy bastard adam is more than half a foot taller than me and posesses much longer arms, he got it up for about ten seconds... which is about nine seconds longer than he usually gets things up! BOOYAH! anyway, now my legs are all bruised and cut up... that son of a bitch was fucking heavy with a pointy underside. i'm also angry because janssen and i are tied for stupid contests now. he may have been able to hold up a dryer longer than i can, but i am still the reigning champion of our infamous "who can hold a bar of soap in their mouth longer?" duel. now i'll have to think up something even stupider to beat him at... confound it. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 24th, 2005
5:00 pm	WARRIORS OF THE NIGHT... ASSEMBLE! *ROAR* this morning, i inexplicably woke up at like 9:00. i was still tired as fuck, but it was too bright to sleep in my room. i tied a bandana around my eyes and managed to go back to sleep for a couple hours. the plan worked brilliantly. however, when i woke up, i had about two seconds of "HOLY CRAP! ALL MY EVIL DEEDS HAVE FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH ME AND GOD HAS STRICKEN ME BLIND! NOOOOOOOO!" then i just took it off. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
10:15 pm	my eyes are better now the other day at work, someone mentioned that useless stupid slut paris hilton recently received a wedding ring valued at approximately seven million dollars. seven million fucking dollars. that is re-fucking-diculous. i want to eat all the rich people in the world and take their stuff. anyway, we started talking about what we all would do if we had seven billion dollars instead of 7 million dollars. everyone said boring shit like "pay off student loans" and silly, mundane crap like that. i would do the following: - live in a gigantic castle with turrets and towers and battlements and shit. it would be full of stained glass windows and obnoxious romanesque marble statues of myself with armor and angel wings killing demons. also, my house wouldn't have stairs. you'd have to either be shot from a catapult or go in one of those tubes like they have at the bank drive-through. and you'd have to take a fire pole or waterslide down. - buy a tank made of solid gold that shoots diamonds. - hold weekly demolition derbies. - have someone build an animatronic dragon that i could fight with a sword and shield. i would also hire rhapsody to play in the background while i'm doing this. - acquire unconventional animals to ride like white tigers and giraffes. - this thing, but much bigger - http://www.juneauempire.com/stories/011705/sta_20050117006.shtml - sponsor a new sport i created where people race around with go-karts and are allowed to bring one melee weapon on board with them. - have a room full of miniature buildings and trees and shit where i could pretend to be a giant and smash everything. - buy a gyrocopter or some other weird flying machine. - have a bunch of people simulate nature wearing large, fuzzy animal suits and tree costumes. they have to walk around on two legs and make enthusiastic animal noises. - drop a dumptruck full of manure on paris hilton's car. like, literally have a bunch of helicopters fly it over her car and then drop it. ***EDIT*** i wasn't clear enough with this. i mean i literally want to take a loaded dumptruck full of cow crap, have helicopers air lift the truck and manure, and drop the whole shebang on her car. *** - buy my way into high society and purposely spill drinks on celebrities. - have a scientist make cyborg arms for me like jax in mortal kombat. - get the following outfits made: captain morgan costume, suit of plate mail, tuxedo made of rawhide, a giant foam rubber costume of those fake glasses with the big nose and eyebrows attached, and probably hundreds of others. - make the ultimate terrible movie with janssen as the director and producer. - hire someone to make fake fossils of mythological creatures and plant them on archeological dig sites. - hire a bunch of huge scottish bodyguards who'll wear kilts everywhere. there's lots more, but many of them are unprintable and i'm sick of writing. (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
2:29 pm	my eyes hurt i hate rick ducat by rick's car let me be blunt; i don't care for rick. things started out ok... we'd cruise around, have a few laughs, but things quickly turned sour. i'm tired of carting his fat ass around everywhere and sick of him shoving that same damn journey tape in my casette deck and listening to it over and over again. if i hear "don't stop believing" one more time, i'm going to kill that motherfucker. anyway, let me tell you a bit about myself. i'm an '89 buick regal in shade politely referred to as "powder blue," but less politely as "fairy blue." i used to be rick's grandma's car and i'm in rather poor condition because of my buffoon owner's inherently destructive nature. being a car, it's difficult to lash out at rick and make his life difficult, but i've managed to do so regardless over the years. like that one time at the gas station when he shut the door and a large piece of the trim on my side fell off. a bunch of girls laughed at him and he kicked me, much to my amusement. another good time was when my doors were frozen shut and that dumbass spent at least an hour trying to get me open to rescue his case of beer. he tried it all... brute force, lock deicer... he even dumped a large pot of hot water on me in a vain attempt to melt the ice encrusing me, but to no avail. finally, he got so frustrated that he just pulled with all his strength and snapped the door handle. this kind of pissed me off, but then i realized it was marvelous because now he has to either leave my driver's side window down to open to the door from the inside, or crawl over the other seat like a fool. i especially enjoyed the time rick tried to fix my power steering pump. he's not... shall we say, mechanically inclined and the repair attempt quickly degraded into him bashing me with a wrench and screaming "FUCK!" in his driveway. however, my crowning moment came fairly recently. rick was driving home to see his friends and go to phil's party in the city. things were going smoothly... he was listening to his stupid journey tape and belting out the songs in his obnoxious falsetto, without a glimmer of suspicion of the hell i would soon unleash upon him. see, my front driver's side tire was doing poorly. i patiently aited, like a leopard in the shadows until he was exactly halfway home, the farthest possible distance from both peoria and chicago, before striking. THEN BLAMMO! TIRE EXPLODES, SPARKS FLY, WE'RE RIDING ON THE RIM, BABY! the look on that oaf's face was priceless. he barely managed to get off the road without getting creamed by a semi. oddly enough, he wasn't even that mad. unfortunately, he managed to find the special lugwrench that was in my ash tray the night before, otherwise he couldn't do squat. ah well, no plan is perfect. he started changing the tire and everything was going smoothly. i enjoyed watching him struggle with trying to change my tire in the darkness with no flashlight, and savored every bead of the cold sweat dripping from his brow every time several tons of metal would come zooming down the road a mere five feet from his stupid fat head. although my lugnuts were nearly welded on with rust, the ogre managed to loosen most of them... damn the luck. however, he still failed to realize the extent of my treachery. one of my lugnuts was far too round to be removed with the shoddy wrench that came with me. try as he might, there was no way he was getting it off. if i had legs, i would have danced. oh, he tried all his best moves... hitting me, yelling at me, swearing at me, even all three at once. nothing worked. he wound up sitting there like a jackass for an hour and a half alone in the dark before a cop pulled up and gave him a four-way wrench. we finally arrived home at about 1:30 am, far too late for a sojourn to the city to visit the friends he hadn't seen for months. it wasn't even over then. my rim was practically a square after the tire blew, so rick had to wander around junkyards for about two hours before he found one that he thought would fit. AND IT WAS TOO SMALL! BWAAHHAHAHA! god, i hate rick. i can't wait to fuck with him more... maybe i'll make my speakers blow out or something next time. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
12:24 pm	NOW FOR WRATH... NOW FOR RUIN... AND THE RED DAWN! not a whole hell of a lot has been going on lately. working at a bar will be the death of me and i hate my internship. i get the feeling that if my boss at the paper were ever drunk around me, the conversation would very quickly become him clapping a fatherly arm around my shoulder and getting all misty-eyed and shit and telling me to get the fuck out of washington (illinois) before i get stuck there. at this point, i would probably excuse myself and talk to someone interesting while he coninues to weep quietly in the corner into a miller light draft that grows ever warmer. seriously though, he is a depressing guy. it seems like he had all these hopes and dreams and was just starting out in a job he was passionate about, but he started a family, became editor, blah blah blah and now just has too many ties to leave. also, not to sound conceited, but i really am a better writer than he is, and i think it irritates him that some smart-ass jamoke of an intern has more talent than him. nothing fucking happens in washington. good lord, it's a nightmare for me. my first story was about a travelling interactive display on the life and times of ronald reagan that MIGHT stop in washington within a year or so... if it even gets built. i wanted to shoot myself after i wrote that. now i'm calling a bunch of stupid ass high school students to ask their useless, insipid opinions about the war in iraq. AS IF ANYONE CARES, YOU AWFUL CARNIVAL OF HICKS. gahhhh... i'll be home this weekend if any of you losers want to hang out. i'll probably be hitting up bars in homewood or whatever friday night and sunday i'll be at siska's place. this one's for my darling birdseed and also ambs- List your current six favorite songs, then pick six other people that have to do the same: 1. rhapsody - warrior of ice 2. black flag - six pack 3. gladiator soundtrack - the battle 4. flogging molly - within a mile from home 5. johnny cash - desperado 6. bad religion - american jesus I tag: 1. ambs_lamb 2. billydreamer 3. tyreafus 4. dirtycsayswtf 5. shakin_bacon 6. ctoner (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 29th, 2005
1:52 pm	since jackie "the sneak" kenny claimed my last post wasn't pointless, i'm going to make this one extra pointless and rambling to compensate. so without further adieu, here are two utterly useless stories: yesterday at work, i started laughing to myself twice at what probably looked like nothing to other people. i'm not going to say what i thought was funny the first time because it's rather... macabre, to say the least. the second time, something on TV reminded me of a conversation i had with janssen last year. we were talking about something and FUCKING SHITAGJIGHIOGHPIOGERIPOJ THAT GUY IS LOOKING AT PORN IN THE LIBRARY!!! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME, YOU CREEPY FUCKING LASCIVIOUS FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT PERVERTS!!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST VIEW PORNOGRAPHY AT YOUR OWN FUCKING PLACE??? GAHHHHHHH ... ahem... sorry about that. where was i... yeah, so we were talking and somehow i said to him "that's like asking whether i want to be shot in the arm or the leg." this led to us talking about whether we would rather have only one arm or one leg. janssen said one leg and i asked him why. his response was "well, at least i could still kick ass." genius. so i brought that up to him last night, which renewed our interest in the topic. he's a moron because his plan was just to do like a drop kick and fall on his back. being of a more sophisticated and grandiose mind than my colleague, i had already mentally developed schemata for my ass-kicking-helping device, full of wheels and pulleys and shit so i could kick ass without falling down. then i realized i was drunk and went home. my second story is that i woke up at 8:45 this morning and couldn't fall asleep again. i played video games for a while and then decided to annoy max and linda. i wrote a note that said "don't slip! from -???" and slid it under his door and then put a banana peel right outside. i thought it was hilarious, and then i realized how moronic what i just did was. ah well, i still stand by it. i hope you all are stupider for having read this crap. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
5:26 pm	WOAAAAH BLACK BETTY, BAM BA LAM! so this morning i woke up to jay poking me with the sword he bought in texas. i mumbled something to the tune of "go the hell away" and realized someone was elbowing me in the back and saying the same thing to me. i somehow wound up sleeping in ben's bed with him even though i passed out in my chair in my room. i can only assume ben's innate gayness sent out homosexual psychic waves and lured me into his chambers in my sleep. last night i got real drunk and was watching the incredibles and i started thinking about how cool it would be to have super strength. i went to the bathroom and remembered the time i ripped the sink out of the wall at that party last semester. i started wondering if that was just a fluke and decided to try it on my own sink because i can be a tremendously unintelligent person when i've been drinking. long story short, the first time was not a fluke. fortunately, a maintenance man came today to fix the drywall and everything. i feigned ignorance when he and ben were trying to determine why the sink was mysteriously leaking and broken... and no one was the wiser. (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
1:28 pm	maybe we should all grow soul patches... that'd be cool, right? happy birthday to my dear friend pete mckeigue. for a special birthday surprise, i won't pummel you for not returning the books i've lent your miscreant ass over the years. j/k buddy! lolz! i cannot believe i'm living at TEP again. i'm bouncing from one shithole to another like a ping-pong ball in a clothes dryer that's made out of shitholes. TEP is even filthier than before because everyone's crap is in there now because we're all transients for a week. coupled with the general state of disrepair and disgustingness is the fact that there's no internet, which is why i'm updating this from the library with a bunch of weird foreign exchange students who are probably cybering with each other. i've actually been sitting next to a kid who was doing that and it was uncomfortable to say the very least. Also, everyone is always in my/simon's room because i'm the only one who wasn't too lazy to set up a TV/video games/computer. bahhh... ah well. moving out of ayres was more arduous than i could have possibly imagined. it's amazing how much useless garbage can build up in a house over the course of five years. for example, we had a closet that was totally full of air conditioners. i moved like nine of them out and there's still three scattered about the house somewhere. it's kind of weird that my dad and i both came up with the same plan (burning the house down) to get out of moving. except i think he was actually being serious. i just got back from my first day at the peoria times-observer. oddly enough, it seems like the scout is more demanding than this internship... a lot more. i kind of see why it's unpaid, but i still think they should give me money. speaking of jobs, gorman's is also really easy and i like drinking free booze. my car should be fixed soon, so i might come home to visit at some point in the near future. (10 Comments |Comment on this)